Is your merger a marriage made in heaven or hell?

You often hear it said that ?mergers are like marriages. But ?is there any more to this than merely a glib passing statement? ?Let's think about that from a strategic perspective, then move on to the ?issue of relationships.

To start with, a marriage isn't likely ?to give you access to new markets or clients unless you have particularly well connected in-laws who are willing to ?sell you to others. It may widen your network, but it's not really the same as revenue generation.

Marriages, like mergers, can both add resources and spread risks. But if the primary goal is centred on escaping threats and building defences, then existing problems may simply be imported, bringing instability. Defensive combinations can work, but bigger is not synonymous with better.

Both marriage and merger, however, may open up paths and opportunities that are not easily available to either party on their own. This in itself could give you greater flexibility.

The fourth reason for merging is ?that a merger can add distinctive skills that you don't possess, or only possess weakly. In other words, it can make you more rounded.

Interestingly, there is some research which suggests that your friends are often like you psychologically (especially creative or logical, for example). Yet, when choosing a life partner, people seem to instinctively choose those who are different (such as those who are better at developing processes or new relationships). In other words, there is a synergistic balancing out where each ?has strengths that compensate for the other's weaknesses.

So far the comparison is a little shaky. Let's move on from the strategic rationale to interpersonal challenges, which is where it all gets real.

Interpersonal challenges

"What counts in making a happy marriage," said George Levinger of the University of Massachusetts nearly 30 years ago, "is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal ?with incompatibility."

In other words, personality is less crucial than the nature of the relationship itself: as family therapist Nathan Ackerman puts it, even two neurotics can have a happy marriage.

John Gottman, a leading therapist in marital stability, has identified four negative behaviours that most predict divorce: criticism of a partner's personality; contempt; defensiveness; and emotional withdrawal. On the other hand, he found that stable couples handle conflicts in gentle, positive ways and are supportive of each other.

Most interesting for us is the balance between the number of positive and negative interactions, with a 'magic' ratio of around 5:1. In other words, each negative behaviour is outweighed by five positive ones. Elsewhere, there is some research to suggest high-performing teams show a positive-to-negative ratio of 6:1. Clearly, this is an element of culture for leaders to give some thought to.

Personal chemistry matters every ?bit as much in a merger as it does in ?a marriage, and it matters most at the ?top. People are human, so there will always be times when we are frustrated with each other. As Katherine Hepburn put it: "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other: perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

Part of getting along requires flexibility of ego. This is not easy, since a need for autonomy to find the best solution to a particular problem naturally means the kinds of people who become partners ?will be precisely those who want to be able to influence and preferably control their own personal working environment and destiny; this is even more true of leaders. But, therapists say that if you can change your own mindset, you can change your marriage.

Mutual effort

So, what can we conclude? There are some strategic parallels, but only some, while the interpersonal parallels probably apply to all relationships.

The fundamental truth is that a merger will only deliver full value if partners go out of their way to get to know each other, to help each other and to make sure the resources and expertise of the whole new firm are available to clients.

A final thought - what if a full merger or marriage isn't open to you? Could a lateral (or lateral team) move work, effectively swapping one boyfriend/girlfriend for another one?

I once asked my flute teacher, who had spent many years with one of the top orchestras, whether he had ever thought of moving. His response was that he would play much the same sort of music, with the same sort of conductors, working with the same sort of people facing the same sort of life pressures. So, the issues he would face would be much the same, only now he would have to start building new relationships.

Of course, you might only be able to climb hierarchically, or financially, by moving. But sometimes the grass is greenest where you water it.