Month of the rat

My blog starts soon (seriously! '“ details to follow) so here is a taster '“ all absolutely true and in the past month.

Rat problem

Upon asking a recruitment agency why an applicant had had four jobs in three years, I was told: 'Moved on qualification to further her experience and moved again to join a team of two others to further her experience. By the time she started the other two had left and the firm had a rat problem; she even found a dead rat in a file.'

I think: How long was it dead? Why was it not picked up on file review? How do you time-record that? Was it in fact a very low-grade fee-earner in a personal injury factory? How do you tell the difference between a rat and the senior partner?

More rats

Email from potential client (over my dead body!) '“ verbatim: 'I was involved in a road traffic accident on Wednesday 26.09.07. The police have provided me with the driver's contact details and insurance details which I believe to be valid insurance. I need to select a solicitor to deal with this matter. A solicitor whom I have used in the past has offered £250 or 110 per cent compensation for my case on completion, do you offer road accident victims any similar incentives to use your legal services?'

Yeah, actually we do. There is our special 'may you rot in hell' package. As luck would have it I am flush with cash because the builder has just paid me for working on my house and I have got some money due from the dentist and the supermarkets have started to pay us to nick their goods.

Thanks all of you who pay referral fees '“ this is the end game.

Even more rats

A human resources manager of well-known West End solicitors phones and asks if I will represent a friend of hers, who is still working, in a disability discrimination claim. I agree and mention the F word '“ fees. I am told that he is not expecting to pay and it will have to be pro bono. Upon asking why their own employment department could not assist:

'Oh no, we do not do that sort of thing '“ pro bono I mean '“ the employment partner said that you would.'

Right, so let us get this straight. It is your mate, who I do not know from Adam and your firm is perfectly capable of doing the work, but you expect my firm to do it free for you?

Client rings. Wants enduring power of attorney, before they are abolished tomorrow. Fee quoted: £250. Response: 'No, it says on the internet that it should be £100.'

Fine. Do it on the internet then.

'Now you are being stupid '“ it says on the internet.'

Yes, it says what you want on the internet, like the moon is made of blue cheese. Maybe it is you who needs to grant a power of attorney, maybe allowing all of your body parts to be used while you are still alive, except of course your brain.

Take part in fresher's debate at University of Hertfordshire Law Faculty. Talk about following in the footsteps of Gandhi and Mandela. Tell them it is a great career if you do not mind rats.

Talk to the employment appeal tribunal judges and members. Tell them that being an employment lawyer is great if you are OK with rats.

Invited to speak to schoolchildren about a career in the law '“ specifically asked to mention morals, beliefs, difficulties, perseverance and overcoming difficulties such as redundancy and illness. Great but this is to year five and six '“ these are nine and 10 year olds! More a milk tooth run than a milk run. Give the rats a miss '“ they have enough to worry about.

Now doing low-value road traffic work. Fixed costs. Fee-earning staff consisting entirely of junior school children and rats. The government and the Legal Services Commission praise this innovative move. The Minister for Baked Beans says: 'This is the way forward'. George Orwell turns in his grave.