How to become a pillock of society

While the world was watching the face of Amanda Knox in the final moments of her appeal in the desperately sad case of the murder of Meredith Kercher, I was like a cat fascinated by a piece of string, because the television pictures would from time to time pan across the court to reveal the attire of the Italian lawyers.

I know that in dignified situations one's dress must match the occasion, but why were the lawyers wearing curtain tassels sticking out of their arms?

What we wear defines us, as I found out recently when I was subjected to a humiliating (but interesting) experience in a clothes store in Norwich.

We are now about to enter a new era, if the doom-laden views expressed in a recent newspaper are to be believed. Last week an article in The Times reported the predictions of one investment bank that virtually all the 10,000 or so firms of high street solicitors will close down because they will either be pushed out of business or absorbed into larger firms or 'Tesco law' once alternative business structures go live.

High street solicitors will need to find survival techniques in the brave new world of ABS. And the first thing we will need to do is get ourselves noticed.

It does not take much to assume an air of authority. Two men meet in the street. One has shoulder epaulettes and the other (a solicitor) does not. The man with the epaulettes is instantly more noticeable, so the solicitor goes to his local epaulette shop and the following day strolls down the high street with brand new epaulettes. To his chagrin, coming the other way is a woman with a blue blazer and the golden chevrons of an airline pilot on her sleeve. Once again the solicitor is trumped, so that evening he pays a visit to his chevron shop. Proudly he displays his chevrons the following day but he is met by the airline pilot this time wearing a braided peaked cap. At this point the solicitor goes to his local army surplus store and emerges with a peaked cap encrusted with scrambled egg, epaulettes, golden braid and as many medals as he can squeeze onto his chest. This time passers by look on him in pity and press low denomination coins into his hand with a 'god bless you sir for winning the war for us, sir'.

Clothes show

Cut to Marks and Spencer in Norwich. I had got myself into one of those situations I wished I had managed to avoid. I was talking a little law on BBC Radio Norfolk when we were joined by a fashion expert who had come to discuss autumn clothes for women and men. Nowadays you do not put on a dinner jacket to appear on the radio, so I had shown up in jeans. The presenter and fashion expert then turned on me and announced to the world (or at least to the local radio listeners) that they would take me to the local shops to give me a makeover.

A few weeks later I found myself on the radio being described as having the John Major look as I was so grey that I would be invisible to almost everyone who passed me in the street. It was all apparently down to vibration and wavelength and grey was not a good wavelength to transmit.

I was first given the casual look, with a pink chequered shirt worn outside a pair of jeans rolled up at the ankles (so as to make me look slimmer). Over my shoulders was a kind of cardigan with leather buttons and on my head had been placed a flat cap. 'I look a pillock,' I said to the people of Norfolk.

Then I had to be more formal and on went a dark blue suit, white shirt and striped tie (with grey in the stripes to make me feel at home). I was presented with black shoes that ended in a point. Several toes had to be amputated before I could get my feet into them. I had to acknowledge that this was an improvement: I almost stood out from the background.

A blue suit is not going to save the solicitors profession and if practitioners are going to survive they are going to have to find more imaginative ways of making themselves known and wanted. I do not necessarily advocate that we don epaulettes or the kind of peaked caps that dictators of small countries wear. Yet those who dress well are more likely to be listened to than those who wear baggy suits and shirts with frayed cuffs and collars (my normal attire).

Curtain call

So, think about curtain tassels on your shoulders. These could become the mark of our trade, just as you recognise your doctor because she has a stethoscope round her neck. We would not then have to worry about meeting people wearing epaulettes or chevrons because everyone will know that those who have dangly curtain tassels on their sleeves are solicitors. They might say we look a bunch of pillocks, but at least we would stand out.

Warning: if we don't do something we will all be wearing the uniforms of supermarkets and serving up three wills for the price of two as we scan their legal wares at the checkout '“ that is unless our epaulettes earn us the position of store detectives or we are moved into the curtain department to sell tassels.

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