Develop empathy or face atrophy

By Hannen Beith, Director, The Resurgence Consultancy

Most lawyers would not know empathy if it stood up and smacked them in the face. I should know, I have been a lawyer for over 30 years, both in private practice and in-house. Throughout my career, I have noticed that many lawyers lack empathy, whether on a collegiate level, with clients, other lawyers or when dealing with complaints.

What is empathy? It is a key life skill and, when used, is amazingly powerful. The dictionary definition of the word empathy is: “The ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in their situation.”

It is hardly surprising that few lawyers have any idea about empathy. It is a life skill that is not taught in school or college and is often lacking if a person did not learn it from their parents. It has never been a part of legal education. However, the good news is that it can be learnt.

When used correctly, empathy, like genuine praise or compassion, is immensely powerful and affirming for the recipient. It demonstrates understanding of the other person’s genuine concerns and aspirations. It shows care and support, motivates staff through difficult or uncertain times (particularly apt in the current economic climate) and, of particular importance to lawyers, can be extremely effective when negotiating or mediating.

Many lawyers confuse empathy and sympathy, which involves whipping out a tissue when someone starts to cry, or comforting them when they are upset. Lawyers are scared of developing '¨empathy skills in case it makes them look weak, and this, in turn, makes it more difficult for them to manage and interact with their staff. The beauty of empathy is that it can be combined with a strong work momentum by engendering motivation '¨and enthusiasm.

Top 10 tips to be more empathetic

So, how does one learn empathy? The basis of empathy lies in good listening and good communication. It should not take long for key members of a law firm to learn the skills and they can then be cascaded down.

1. Give your full attention to someone and use your body language. For example, mirror theirs to show them that you are there with them and for them.'¨

2. Having listened to what they have to say, synthesise their experience and reflect it back to them verbally, ideally using their own words: “So, you are feeling…”

3. Even if you believe from your map of the world that they are pathetic, try to see things through their eyes and from their map of the world.'¨

4. Don’t judge, criticise, mock or blame them or use inappropriate humour such as sarcasm. This is the worst thing that you could do, especially if they are going through a difficult time.'¨

5. Learn a wide range of adjectives, especially for feelings, so that you can better empathise, rather than using generic descriptors like ‘how awful’ or ‘how terrible’.'¨

6. Practise using different ways of showing empathy, both verbally '¨(like saying “that sounds really...”) '¨and tactilely (such as by touching '¨their arm), remembering that '¨different people will respond '¨to different approaches.'¨

7. Pair up with a friend, look at and absorb a picture and jot down '¨notes. Next, follow them around, matching their movements and body language. Then look at the same picture again. This exercise will enable you to see the picture differently through their eyes.'¨

8. Notice how good you feel when someone is empathetic to you. What do they say and how do they say it that makes it powerful?'¨

9. Ensure that you are being empathetic rather than sympathetic, as the latter can come across as condescending when used in the wrong context (such as “you poor thing”).'¨

10. Source neuro-linguistic programming tools (such as the Meta Mirror) which enable you to stand in other people’s shoes and look at things through '¨their eyes.

Empathy is a wonderful skill that is very affirming to the recipient. Being understood and thought about is like oxygen. Acknowledging people, whether via empathy, feedback or praise, is all too often lacking in law firms. It costs nothing and gives so much.

However busy you are, it’s worth creating time for empathy as an investment in the people you care about or have a vested interest in, whether staff or clients. It will give a priceless reward, to them and maybe even to you.

hannen@resurgenceconsultancy.co.uk