Behind bars | An Easter farce

"Easter won't be Easter without any Easter eggs," Mole said, sadly. "WHY don't we have any money?"

"Because Toad wasted it all," said Ratty, adding up figures with a stub of pencil on the back of an envelope.

"I say chaps that's not quite fair," Toad replied, snapping his new red braces against his toady tummy, "Toad Hall needed refurbishing - and a chap deserves a bonus or two for all his hard work."

"Remind me, what was the hard work precisely?" asked Ratty, mildly enough for a rodent.

" Well - er - you know - I lent all that money to those scurvy low class animals who didn't pay it back, and I had to get some more to pay it back to myself. And I did. SO there," said Toad.

"Oh good - so you got it back - does that mean we can have Easter eggs after all?" cried Mole excitedly. He did not understand finance.

"You don't understand finance Mole," they all said.

"As opposed to me! ME!" cried Toad, "Magnificent Money Making Me! I'm sure there's a song in there somewhere."And he began to hum.

"That's the Eton boating song you silly animal - and you're out of tune as well," said Badger, morosely. Badger was more morose than usual, being a bit worried about his breathing - breath came harder these days.

"Well" said Ratty, "if we can't make it, we should save it - there must be economies we can make? Tighten our belts and all that?"

"TIGHTEN OUR BELTS?" cried Toad. "YOU may notice some chaps don't wear belts.... ho ho ho" and he snapped his red braces merrily.

"Well, you get money by making it - or saving it - or..."

"STEALING IT!" cried Toad, "THAT'S THE WAY!"

"We can't do that!" said Mole, shocked. "That's not the way the best animals behave."

Toad looked reflective at this. Being reptilian by nature, mammalian behaviour was a mystery to him.

"Not sure it's an honourable plan Toad. Not sure at all," said Badger, coughing into his handkerchief.

"Bugger honourable! We need money and I know who's got it!" said Toad, triumphantly. "And I don't want any of your silly scruples - I am the King of the Woodlands after all, swept into total power after my victorious leadership of the Battle of the Big Wood."

"Not quite swept in, was it, Toad, you vainglorious animal, Badger reminded him, staring disconsolately at streaks of red in his hanky. "You needed the mice to make up the numbers after all."

"Oh the mice! What do they matter? Give 'em a few crumbs and they do what they're told. And you agree too, don't you, little one?" Toad added, looking down at the leader of the mice.

"Squeak," said the L of M, frisking his little tail. He agreed with most things.

"My plan is - and it's a good one - take some money off the weasels. Brilliant eh?"

"Did that last year. And the year before,",said Ratty, checking his records.

"Aha - but the plan gets better. We'll pay them less for the same work - and they'll be fighting each other for it. Blood and teeth all over the forest - that'll be fun!"

"Is that quite fair?" said Mole, timidly. "They often do good work don't they - remember they helped young otter when he got into trouble..."

"Oh Mole," they all said, "shut up and dig something."

"Squeeeeak," said the L of M.

"How it works is this," said Toad, warming to his theme. "We dish out something called a 'contract' - and the weasel who offers the least money for it - gets it! We'll call it Cheap Tendering. Got a good ring to it, doesn't it?"

"No." said Badger, "It does not. It is a filthy plan. It will drive down standards. It will hurt more than the weasels. It will hurt the young and foolish animals, like otter - it will diminish the value of what the weasels do."

"POO to that!" cried Toad, "silly old Badger, to think that weasels matter... oh do go and cough somewhere else, you look a bit infectious. And if you don't like the word 'cheap' let's try... hmmm... er... got it! Best Value Tendering. I am such a glorious and clever animal, you must all cheer me."

"Does that mean we can have Easter eggs after all?" cried Mole excitedly.

'Oh for heaven's sake Mole - for the last time - Moles don't eat chocolate," cried Toad.

'They do in fiction' said Mole, miserably.

"Who says this is fiction?" Toad replied. "And Badger, if you have TB - go and cull yourself like a good chap. Now, where's that Easter Bunny gone? We need to have a little chat..."