Therapy, not mediation, can help warring couples

How many of us regularly struggle with a client whose hatred for their spouse colours all their actions, including arrangements for the children? Or a spouse who can’t make a decision at all, or whose demands are unrealistic? Then there are those who don’t make their inner struggles so obvious. Most lawyers encounter clients who are so shocked by what is happening to them, they prefer to hide their heads in the sand. For clients like these, divorce becomes something that “happens to them”, rather than a life event in which they play an active role and help to steer the outcome. As family lawyers, we don’t underestimate the shock, pain, loss, anger, desire for revenge, guilt and so forth visible in our clients. But is enough being done about it in the separation process?

For example, should we really be surprised that mediation introduced at the beginning of this process fails, despite the relentless promotion of mediation’s benefits? I have long believed mediation has many plus points, but for many it is introduced far too early in the process, at a time when divorcing parties are not emotionally equipped to settle. Predictably, it is rejected. How much more effective might it be, if introduced as part of a mandatory stay of proceedings further down the line, when clients are better equipped to negotiate a consensual voluntary settlement?

I do not hesitate to refer clients to a counselling service when appropriate and work with excellent counsellors who adopt a holistic approach. Over the past 30 years I have worked with thousands of divorcing men and women. During that time, I have seen first-hand what a transformative effect counselling can have. I have seen warring ex-couples reach amicable agreements between themselves.

So here is a proposal for our penny-pinching Ministry of Justice: why not introduce a consideration for counselling, for all those caught up in family breakdown? I would like each party to first spend time with an experienced therapist. As with MIAMS, suitability would be assessed. The fee would be relatively small, compared to the money that can be spent arguing in court or struggling and failing to mediate. Counselling would aim to help the parties get their heads straight and focus on what is important: practicalities and the future. If a divorcing couple had children, counselling could also prepare the way for successful co-parenting.Not everybody is comfortable with idea of raking over their past, their feelings and their fears with a stranger, but as we all know, there is a limit to what a solicitor or an over-burdened judge can do. Divorce has an explosive effect on a person’s wellbeing, but a good therapist can help to defuse the stresses and strains of a crumbling relationship. Acquiescence and apathy on the other hand can lead at best to regret, disappointment and comeback later on when heads clear, which sadly in many cases as we all know, never does. SJ

Marilyn Stowe is senior partner at Stowe Family Law

www.marilynstowe.co.uk