As seen on TV

So we are all going to be on camera soon '“ say cheese! Lights! Camera! Action! '“ or, more likely, "Can we have half an hour your honour?"

Yup '“ we are all going to be on the television. The latest proposal, in this time of austerity, is to spend money putting cameras in court so that we can be on the box and the great viewing public can watch the cases as they go. This is a disaster, although not without great marketing opportunities.

Apparently the idea is that it will only be the sentences that are broadcast '“ and that all the other stuff, such as interminable interview reading out, requests for adjournments, hunts for a spare copy of the witness statement, and so on, will not be recorded. Will our closing speeches one day make it on to the box? Will we start to hone our skills not by attending worthy CPD lectures but by watching John Grisham-type films and attending Gregory Peck master classes to do a To Kill A Mockingbird speech?

The best wig award goes to'¦

In due course this may mean that we have our own version of the Oscars '“ perhaps called 'The Wigsters', or some other such tasteful title. In that event the top speeches of the year can be short-listed in various categories. Best Newcomer, Best Robbery Speech, Most Outrageous Acquittal, Least Boring Fraud Trial Speech, etc. Then we shall have tearful acceptance speeches by the winner '“ you know the sort of thing: 'I'd like to thank my clerk for getting me the brief, my mate in chambers who thought of that good point about the fingerprints, and most of all I'd like to thank my client without whose armed robbery and shooting of the bank clerk none of this would be possible '“ thanks so much, this is for you! I love you all '“ especially my client!' Then wave the golden figure of Justice with a wig on or something similar and totter down the steps as Stephen Fry or Jonathon Ross applauds warmly and affectionately. It would never end '“ Best Half-time Submission, Best Bail Application, Best Legal Argument, Best Application for a Spurious Adjournment.

Judges too could have their own awards '“ 'The Gavels' '“ where golden gavels are given out for Best Sentencing Remarks, Best Loss of Temper, Longest Snooze, Best Feeble Joke.

Sue one, sue one free

The public, for now, will only see our backs. This is where our great marketing opportunity comes in. As it is we are now facing the detail of the latest cuts to our fees, and things are getting pretty desperate. So we need, like any struggling business, to get out there and market ourselves. We have been doing that for years '“ but now we need to do more. We need to do deals '“ 'buy one get one free', '3 for 2' and so on. So we can offer to run the main defence and then another one '“ you can have 'alibi' with 'self-defence' thrown in free. 'Sue one and sue someone else half price! Hurry, while claim forms last!' Divorces after Christmas, bankruptcy proceedings and so on: 'Bad Christmas? Never mind '“ divorce your spouse and be declared bankrupt all for just £500!' It could be like all those sofa sales that go on after Christmas, with people dancing around shops and looking beatific because they have a new sofa. Our clients could be dancing around the law courts and going off with their new partner, all smiles in the same way.

We would advertise these offers on our backs so that the cameras pick them up. We can also sell advertising space in the same way '“ or do product placement. We could have pens from WH Smith and paper from Ryman carefully positioned on counsels' row; Ede and Ravenscroft bands and Lewin bags stuffed full of shirts. The advertising deals could be good: Lancelot Long-Weekend QC uses BIC '“ 'It's the write way to go!' he says. Mr Justice Toby Donne says: 'I always judge a book by its cover '“ that's why I use blotfree notebooks for all my court needs!'

Ego boost

Will the defendants and the witnesses play up to the cameras? Huge howling sobs as someone explains how the benefit form was filled in fraudulently, or myriads of starving children and elderly relatives for when they get sentenced for a bit of careless driving? But never mind them, it is the barristers that we shall have to watch out for if this television revolution goes global. Some barristers already think the case is really about them, and not the defendant and the complainant. Vain, hyper-sensitive, full of false outrage and sniffing disdain, they play up and give a running commentary of their emotional index at the outrageous behaviour of the prosecution and so on. It is tiring enough dealing with their egos when there isn't even a reporter in court, so what will happen when the cameras are in is, well, wholly predictable. Preening, showing off and dying to get on the ten o'clock news.

Oh dear '“ please can we not have cameras. We have journalists and open justice '“ if the public wants to see what goes in court then pop along and watch for a bit. If you want to know what is going on then read the paper or watch the news or listen to the radio. But, if it has to be so, then terms and conditions really should apply.