Cats and QASAs

There are lots of myths about the life of crime that we have all signed up to. The greatest hoary old chestnut is 'How do you defend someone that you know is guilty?' The next one is that witnesses regularly break down in the witness box in response to a firmly put assertion of fact, such as: 'Admit it Miss Jones '“ it was you who plunged the knife into the vicar's back, wasn't it!' Answer: 'Yes... yes... I admit it now.'

The next myth is that an orchestra starts playing somewhere and counsel looks triumphantly relieved (you know what I mean), prosecuting counsel looks dashed and furious (as if counsel had a dastardly personal interest in getting the defendant down) and the beaky old judge looks over his half-moon glasses and purses his lips and shouts: 'Order in court' and bangs his gavel a lot. The next great myth is that judges have gavels '“ I have never heard a judge shout: 'Order in court!' or 'Silence! Silence in court!' and then bang the gavel. I knew a judge who banged the desk and a judge who snapped a pencil, but gavel banging, no. In fact, and sorry to disappoint, our courts are flying every day gavel-less!

Gavels might be fun '“ rather like Harry Potter and the choosing of wands, it is more the gavel that chooses the judge, than the other way round. ('Ah yes... a lovely model, sanded oak treated with Ronseal number three varnish '“ good in all weathers, travels well, though apt to be a precipitous when confronted with a twocking,' etc.

'I remember when the Lord Chief himself came in, why it was only the other day '“ ash with a light veneer, whippy but good in the hand and excellent and controlling verbosity in the Court of Appeal,' etc). Shame.

Anyway '“ back to the other myths. We are all delighted now that in our unfailing pursuit of persuasive mitigation we have a new weapon to deploy upon the most hard-hearted tribunal come sentence for a three-strikes burglar. Yes of course you know what it is: step forward The Cat! Not just any old cat '“ dear me no '“ this is a true cat in the TS Eliot tradition of Macavity, the Mystery Cat, and stylish 'Napoleon of Crime'. This cat does not so much do the deed, but comes to the rescue if and once the felon is caught '“ this cat keeps you out of chokey.

Imagine the mitigation: 'Your honour will no doubt have in mind the sentencing guidance and that the aggravating features that put this in the first class of seriousness '“ we acknowledge that the premeditated nature of selecting the biggest, pointiest and sharpest knife, the repeated plunging and the unfortunate use of the words: 'Take that you fatherless person you,' the fact he then stole the victim's wallet and made himself a cup of coffee on the way out using the last of the milk all point to a lengthy immediate custodial sentence. However, there is the fact that he would leave behind Possums, a ginger and black moggy who loves to have his ears scratched '“ who would care for Possums? Possums would be homeless and hungry and deprived of tickling behind the ears '“ so for Possum's sake the defendant craves one last chance...' Presumably the sentencing guidelines are currently being revised to take account of dependent felines in the sentencing process.

So, and sadly, despite the Conservative Party conference getting its knickers in a twist, just like gavels and honest witnesses and orchestras '“ moggy mitigation is not really going to be much in evidence.

Business as usual

What we do have to look forward to is QASA. QASA is not from outer space '“ QASA is not some sort of side arm personal weapon for the police. Nor is QASA a new form of communication like texting, MSN and g-mail. QASA is the way we are all going to be assessed in the future to check that we are up to the job. Currently lots of us are waiting to hear if the CPS is going to allow us to continue to do the work they have been briefing us on for years without being overly anxious about our capabilities to do it. Now on top we are going to be QASAd. Quite a few professions do 360 degree assessments on each other '“ everyone assesses everyone else. QASA may not go this far '“ I don't know if the defendant is going to be included in the assessment process.

Shame really '“ the defendant could assess the prosecutor on a score of: 'Didn't lay a glove/had to think/looking dodgy/bang to rights' (the last being the best score of course and the first being frankly so poor that the CPS should get its forms out again); we could assess the usher for sharpness of pencils and adequacy of water supplies (from 'warm and yesterday's' to 'fresh as a sparkling spring in a mountain pasture') '“ and we could be assessed for general turn out, use of Latin and references to cats (or not).

Or will it all be rather dull and unsensational like most things in court? Probably. That is the trouble with myths '“ it all sounds very exciting, just like the television, but in fact there are no swelling crescendos, confessions or cats. It will be business as usual '“ with more shorthand of PCMHs, DCSs, IPPs, PSRs, HCAs and now QASAs. Is this what we signed up for? It sounds like a breach of my human rights! Now, where's that cat gone....